| Joke#1 |
| "Santa out of prozac!" |
Thanks to Sherlyne for this joke!
Here's what happens when Santa runs out of prozac...
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you
can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with
the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a
hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Lego's instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my
face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal
and a nice Cuban cigar.
Santa
************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please.
PLEASE, Jimmy
Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
don't work up here. You're getting another sweater.
Santa
************************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitress' asses, and losing
all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
************************************************************
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy
all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare
specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn
to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger,
at least HE can spell!
-Santa
(To be continued in the next issue)
Thanks again to Sherlyne for this one:
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived
in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by
a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to
get his first glimpse of the world outside.
The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called
out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them:
"I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals
have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You
will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every
bear in this forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet." This confused
both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was
a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for
every bear in the neighbouring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just
ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle,
but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears
in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound
and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up
the motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was
gay" and took off like a bat outta hell.
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Thanks to Harsh for these quickies:
*If it's zero degrees outside today, and it is supposed
to be twice as
cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
*Why is it called building when it is already built?
*If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite
of congress?
*Is it possible to be totally partial?
*If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
*If all the world is a stage where is the audience sitting?
*If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from Holland
called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery
*When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?
*If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean
to make terrible?
*Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
*If lawyers are debarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models
deposed, dry cleaners depressed?
*Why is it if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars
in the universe,
you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet
paint you will
have to touch it to be sure?
*Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*I thought how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get
older, then it dawned on me ...they are ramming for their
final exams.
*If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from
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